


Broken Boys

by asherisnotfunny (orphan_account)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bipolar Disorder, Cutting, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Pornstar Harry, Self-Harming Louis, bipolar!louis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-02-14 15:01:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2196243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/asherisnotfunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is more than a little unbalanced. Harry has to film himself to pay for his schooling. Zayn is too introverted to enjoy people. Niall has a history he doesnt talk about. Liam insists does not collect broken boys.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hula Who?

**Author's Note:**

> ((When pasting this over from google documents I lost the bold and italics, so if there is inconsistency in that please excuse it.))
> 
> I must note for the Larry fans: Its a little LiLo in the beginning of the fic but it wont stay that way in chapters to come. Liam gets around a bit.
> 
> edited by @spookytiffany on tumblr

  


When Louis was young, he had frequent panic attacks, triggered by touch. They got worse after his father's suicide. And being a teenage boy wasn’t easy in the first place. His mother had him see someone, but he ended up hopping from therapist to therapist trying to find someone that told him what he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear that he was a normal teenager and that these outbursts were just hormones. Whenever a therapist or psychiatrist even implied he was mentally ill, he would have another attack and get defensive and angry. He would sometimes even black out and come back to broken vases and picture frames that were decorated around the office. But he was not “mentally ill” at all. He was not going to end up like his father. He was normal.

 

So now he was a normal university student that liked reading wonderfully awful books written for pre-teens. He hid in rarely used bathrooms while locked in a stall. Occasionally he’d use one of the few unused classrooms so people wouldn’t find him. When bold enough to risk someone coming in to practice he’d use a theater that has a 4 hour gap before the next class.

 

Today he had locked himself in an abandoned bathroom stall, and he had finished all but one of the books he brought with him. He was currently reading the last few pages of his latest tragedy of a book and was quite annoyed with the overall story. Louis was finding it harder and harder to deal with the general theme of books. It was similar to watching cop shows. In the first 5 minutes they get word that someone died. 15 minutes in they think they have an idea of what’s going on and someone dies or gets abducted. At the half hour mark they realize they were wrong or that there is more to it while they are ‘losing valuable time’ to save this person. At the 45 minutes mark they know who did this and 7 out of 10 times the person they are trying to find is about to die. In the final 10 minutes they burst through the door and save the day saving the last 5 minutes for the cops to chat about their lives and realize how this could have been their kid or how maybe they should call their wife.

 

It is the same shit over and over but with teenage romance tropes instead of death.

 

He became upset with the stupid book, placing it in his bag. He’d hoped that adding fantasy would mix things up. He always dreaded having to go to the library. It could get crowded and he could be shoved. If he went he could have a panic attack and people would find out he’s psycho and wasn’t taking the prescription his mom fills and mails to him. Let alone finding a book he hasn’t already read that isn’t terribly triggering or hard to get into.

 

He checks the time and sees he has 45 minutes before class. He figures it’s time to head there so he can sit before the rest of the class gets there. Louis stands to unlock his stall, but he notices a grunt and hiss as a soft “pat, pat, pat” started to pick up its pace.

 

“Who’s there?” Louis asks, slow and shaking.

 

Theres a gasp and string of: “Fuck, shit, dammit!”

 

He sits with a gasp of his own. “Sorry,” he whispers. This had never happened before. It was his second year of University and not once had he crossed paths with anyone during his alone time. He could deal with classes and breathe deeply through the occasional bumped elbow in the hallway, because he was prepared that it was a possibility, but he wasn’t very good when it came to surprises.

 

He felt his breathing pick up, and he tried his best to slow it down, but the guy heard. “Are you alright? How long have you been here?”

 

“4 hours, give or take,” he replied.

 

“Doing what?” The voice chuckled.

 

“Reading. You?”

 

“Um.. not reading.” He said awkwardly with a cough.

 

There was a long heavy silence as Louis wished he hadn’t asked.

 

“Are you still…?” Louis blushed.

 

“I’m not. You kind of scared it out of me," the guy joked, then he realized the innuendo. "Well not-- I mean not _out_ out. I mean its not like, up anymore? Sorry, that was worded weird and I’m going to stop talking about that. Um. I’m Harry.”

 

“I’m Louis.” He chuckled.

 

A shuffled zip and a click came from Harry’s stall as he opened the door. “I thought nobody used these restrooms. I guess it’s a hiding place, huh?”

 

“I _thought_ it was,” Louis replied. He was fine socializing like this. It was like phone calls or texting. He didn’t mind it if it wasnt face to face.

 

He did mind the footsteps that approached his stall. “Well I guess it’s ours now,” Harry mused dramatically.

 

Louis opened his mouth to speak, but he suddenly felt trapped. All the comfort of the situation was gone as he saw Harry’s converse standing outside his stall. There was a thick wall behind him and three thinner ones closely surrounding him, knowing Harry was on the other side made him feel claustrophobic.

 

“Knock knock,” Harry said softly, a grin audible through his tone. Louis could tell he was tall by where his voice was emitting from. He felt as though Harry was towering over him like a tree after a storm. It could teeter at any moment, but you can’t help but stare up from beneath it. A sort of terrifying rush runs through you as the wind blows.

 

“I can’t.” He barely whispers, but the voice bounces of the walls and the softness of his voice ricochets through the restroom.

 

“Knock _knock_ ,” he asserted like a child. Louis wondered if he was trying to tell a joke.

 

“Um. Who’s there?” Louis mumbles, a little confused at where this is going.

 

“Little old lady.” The tall man smiled, the ‘y’ stretched in a way you could hear through a tugged lip.

 

“Little old-- oh you can’t be serious,” he said, exhausted and amused at the ridiculous popsicle stick of a joke.

 

“Finish it.”

 

“Little old lady who?” Louis sang the yodel obnoxiously.

 

“I didnt know you could yodel!” Harry exclaimed, as if it were a surprise.

 

Louis giggled. “You cant see me but I’m rolling my eyes in the most obnoxious manner.” Though he wasn’t. He was just grinning.

 

“Come on out,” Harry encouraged. “I should be chastised with your disapproving eyes, Louis.”

 

“You don’t even _deserve_ the blue pools of disappointment, dear Harry,” he playfully scoffed. He was a bit sad that this would end after they met eyes. It wouldn’t be as exciting.

 

“Do you have a piece of paper, then?” He asked. “I’ll write my number on it, and you could text a frowny face in..." He stretched the 'n' as he thought up a time. "...an hour and 45 minutes. By then I’ll have a better joke.”

 

“All right. Dont disappoint me, Harry.” He tore a piece of paper from a sketchbook and snagged a pen. As he passed it over the stall, their fingers brushed. Harry’s hands were calloused, the way a man’s hands should feel. Louis always hated how dainty his were, his wrists thin like a child’s.

 

Harry handed the paper and pen back, a string of numbers laced across it. “I wont let you down.”

 

Harry stepped away from the stall, shoes squeaking. As the bathroom door opened and shut, he felt a bit guilty that he was comforted by the isolation. He looked down at the numbers and plugged them into his iPhone. It would seem Harry had one as well, he realized when he saw that “Text Message” turned into “iMessage” immediately.

 

This was unsettling, as ‘read receipts’ and the dreaded bubble that popped up when they were typing were the worst things about iMessage. It was like a time bomb ticking before they say something short that you read into for the next 5 or 6 lifetimes. He sighed. Harry seemed like a nice guy. But they always do, don’t they?

 

He opened his stall and exited the bathroom as a blond flash bounced down the hallway. “Have you seen an obnoxiously tall lad come this way?” the blond seemed to yell. Louis’ heart raced as he tried to form some sort of ‘no’ or ‘yes’ or ‘maybe’, but all he managed was a panicked look.

 

“Hey buddy, are you okay? You look pale.”

 

The worst part of having an anxiety attack is knowing when you are having one.

 

The cold sweat leads to a chill and the realization that you aren’t breathing regularly, if at all. There is no air in the bubble that has been burst by whatever triggered the attack. Everything is over-stimulating and the light is too bright. The sounds are too dulled and you can’t make out what is what, so it’s like a crowd of white noise. Thats when the white consumes your vision and the dark creeps in through the sides.

 

Sometimes you are nowhere near where you last remember. Usually Louis can’t hear anything for the first 5 or 10 minutes after consciousness. This time he woke up to a man with dark hair, possibly a professor, with concerned eyes he’d seen too many times. He saw the blond boy sporting the same. They were talking, when he realized he wasn’t wearing his jacket. He felt around for it and didn’t feel it. His heart picked up again and his eyes shot open in a bug-like panic that was interrupted by an intense ringing from moving too fast. The man gripped Louis, who kicked and probably shrieked. The man put his hands up in defense as he turned to the blond, who then ran off. His hearing started to whistle back as he heard the man repeating: “My name is Liam. You’re okay, Louis. You’re okay. My name is Liam…”

 

Louis breathing slowed, calmed by the repetition. “How do you know my name?”

 

“Your bag.” He gestured. “Questions later, just breathe.”

 

Louis did as he was told.

 

The blond ran back, accompanied by a familiar professor saying: “Over here, with Liam.”

 

“Oh, Mr. Tomlinson, I had no idea.” His English professor sighed sadly. “You never miss class, so I should have known something was wrong. The paramedics are nearly here, boys. Thank you.”

 

“Do you mind if I stay?” Liam asked, turning to both of them.

 

Louis nodded.

 

“If  he’s alright with it I’m sure it should be fine.” The professor smiled

  


The paramedics checked his vitals and asked him if he has medication for his attacks. He shook his head.

 

“How long have you been self harming?” one asked.

 

Louis paused for a moment, “A while.” shamefully glancing at Liam. “I’m working on it.” He was. He hadn’t self-harmed in 4 weeks. It was easier when he avoided interaction. The paramedics insisted he see a psychiatrist or a therapist to talk through what happened. Louis agreed, as that was what they wanted to hear. They drove off and Louis sighed, emotionally exhausted.

 

“Which dorm are you in?” Liam asked, handing him his now slightly torn jacket.

 

“Dorm A, why?” Louis replied, not looking up, hoping Liam wasn’t about to offer to walk him back.

 

“Same, I’ll walk with you.” He smiled.

 

“Liam, I really appreciate what you’ve done but I’m not a friend-person,” he asserted with the kindest tone he could muster.

 

“Sounds like you need a good cry.” Liam chuckled.

 

“Didn’t I have enough of a dramatic flare earlier?” He said, only half joking.

 

“If I could guess your story, I’d say you’re entitled to as much dramatic flare as humanly possible.” He slouched to meet Louis’ eyes. “Come on, I picked up your books for you. We’re going to the same place, let’s watch some awful movie adaptations.” Louis didnt reply. “Or just one?” He added with a hopeful tone.

 

“Picked up?”

 

Liam bit his lip forgetting Louis couldn’t remember. “Oh, right. Um, you tossed them when you were out.”

 

Louis felt as though he could vomit in shame. “Sorry, I hit you, didn’t I?”

 

“Niall, the blond one you met earlier, but he deserved it. He is a bit of a shit,” Liam mused.

 

Louis snorted then laughed. And he couldn’t stop. Be it the stress or the insanity that lay deep inside him, he kept laughing. Liam looked fondly at him as they reached their building as. Liam lived 3 doors down from Louis, but Louis never attended floor meetings or even left his room at normal hours, so they never knew.

 

They made their way to Louis’ room, a grey and blue decorated single. He had a few lamps and drawings scattered about, but no posters. Louis looked at the time; it had been 4 hours since Harry slipped him his number.

 

“Sorry, give me a moment,” he said to Liam.

 

**Louis: :( sorry life happened**

A read receipt and a typing bubble.

 

**Harry: Knock Knock**

Louis smiled.

 

**Louis: Who’s there?**

**Harry: Hula**

Louis snorted.

 

“Who are you ignoring me for?” Liam chuckled. He sat in Louis’ desk chair.

 

“A moron.” Louis said fondly.

 

**Louis: I owe you this much.**

**Louis: Hula who??**

**Harry: :D**

**Harry: Get it? Like “Hula Hoop”**

**Harry: It’s better verbally I promise.**

**Louis: Don’t make promises you can’t keep.**

“I thought you didn’t have friends!” Liam accused before he grinned so large his eyes crinkled at the sides. “Give me a name, then?”

 

Louis opened his mouth to object, but he changed his mind and handed Liam the phone. “Harry. I only met him today but his jokes are awful,” he said fondly.

 

“Ah, I know who he is, curly-haired bastard.” Liam snorted at the joke on the screen. “The worst part is he recycles them.”

 

“No, he can’t, they were horrible the first time!” Louis jokingly exclaimed.

 

Liam smiled and asked, “Do you want me to get him? He’s just a floor up.”

 

Louis’ face paled.

 

“It’s fine, I don’t have to.” He paused glancing at the desk, where full pill bottles sat. “Wait, you said…”

 

“Liam….” Louis sighed.

 

“I know this brand. Are they for anxiety or are they for something else? Shit sorry this isnt my business. Never mind, forget I mentioned it at all.” He asked.

 

“They are mind-sedatives, antipsychotics, _life-labelers_.” He hummed. “Whatever you’d like them to be called. I can’t draw with them.” He shrugged and looked down at his phone.

 

“Louis…” He raised his eyebrows.

 

“Not well or inspired, anyway.” He frowned.

 

“Can I hug you?” Liam asked.

 

Louis thought it through. He wasn’t sure how he’d handle the contact. “Not today.”

 

“Would you like to watch a movie, talk, or be alone for a bit? But I’d like to check in later, so choose wisely,” Liam said ominously.

 

“I’ll be alone for a bit, thanks.” The smaller boy half smiled.

 

“Alright, I’m going to check in later though, don’t forget.” Liam reminded him.

 

Liam left the room with a smile and Louis watched the door close. He looked down at his phone.

 

**Harry: okay so maybe its not better verbally but it is funny.**

**Harry: a mature taste**

**Harry: like cheese.**

**Harry: why is cheese so expensive? Its mold.**

**Harry: but tasty mold.**

**Harry: americans appreciate a good mold flavor.**

**Harry: but some are like… gross.**

**Harry: have you ever seen bleu cheese?**

**Harry: I’ll assume you have**

**Harry: that shit is the image of nightmares.**

**Harry: and yet a salad dressing.**

**Louis: sorry, I was with Liam, who you apparently know. You went from knock knock jokes to cheese.**

**Louis: :(**

**Louis: disappointment, Harry.**

**Louis: :(**

**Louis: You’re not much of a skilled conversationalist.**

**Harry: Talk fancy to me~**

**Louis: good god**

**Harry: :) Liam’s great. Tell him I said hi.**

**Louis: You tell him. I am not a carrier pigeon.**

**Louis: and he is in his room**

**Harry: fine I’ll go play with liam.**

**Harry: >:(**

**Harry: thats me pouting**

**Louis: ttyl~**

Louis lay on his bed in what felt like a pool of stress. Good stress and bad stress and horrible stress, all mixed in with missing both of his classes and it being Thursday. He didn’t have class on Friday, meaning he had to stress until Monday. His heart picked up its pace and his hand picked up his X-acto knife.

 

X-acto knives are his tool of trade, disguised, and occasionally used, as an art tool. They are razors with handles. The blades are a hassle to get without spending a fortune. Blood rusts the blade and it costs more to get a pack of 10 refills then a 100 pack of razors. But he could carry it in his bag and no one thought twice if they saw it.

 

He slashed the knife messily across his wrist. Like the nervous wreck he was, he could never quite cut the first one calmly. And he never cut less than three lines.

 

He left it at three, knowing Liam could walk in. He felt the calm set in as he saw the beads of blood trickle down his arm.

 

His muscles loosened as the blood clotted on his skin. He dabbed the cuts with tissue to pick up whatever lingered. This was the moment he cut for. The calm as he dabbed his arm. The act of picking up the mess he’d made and knowing that the cuts were his. They were his responsibility to clean and take care of and it made him feel strangely useful.

 

He tossed out the tissue and pulled a warm oversized jumper over his head. He cuddled up with a pillow as his body started to shake. The nerves came back with the knowledge of the 4 week counter resetting to zero days since his last cut.

 

It’s impressive how long someone can sit in silence, unmoving and without a thought. It’s easier to not think if you can master The Art Of Standby. It’s a class that should be taught in universities.

 

There was a knock on the door and he sat up. “Yeah?” he croaked, having not spoken for… 2 hours and 12 minutes, according to the clock.

 

“It’s me, Liam.” Liam spoke through the door. “Can I come in?”

 

“Yes.” Louis half smiled. No one else ever knocked, who else would it have been?

 

Liam opened the door. “Niall wants to apologize, if you are up for seeing him later. No pressure of course. I know its been an awful day.”

 

Louis felt such fondness for Liam at that moment. “Um. Maybe. I have a question.” His lip started to tremble at the stress that started shattering through his skin at how disappointed Liam would be to know Louis had cut. He thought of how silly it was that he cared so much about someone he just met that day

 

“Yeah, sure, whats wrong?” He closed the door and crinkled his eyebrows together, his eyes searching for the answer to his question.

 

“Um. Could I…” Louis looked away, breathing carefully so as to not start crying. “Would you still want to… um.. hug?” His eyes glanced up at Liam.

 

Liam looked like he melted the way a teenager looks at a puppy that sneezed. “Gently or firmly? Is stroking your back okay?”

 

Louis bit his lip. “Whatever you think suits the moment. I dont know what kind I need.”

 

Liam sat on the bed and carefully wrapped his arms around Louis. Something took control in the broken boy, who grasped Liam, pulled him close, and didn’t let go. The tears seeping through Liam’s shirt were a surprise. And when he opened his mouth to apologize nothing but choked sobs came out.

 

Liam rubbed circles on Louis back whispering “Its okay, Lou, its going to be okay.”

 

He coughed out a broken, “I cut,” as his body shook. “I ruined it. 4 weeks. I ruined it.” Every gasp for air was wet and rugged, like he was caught in the undertow of a wave and trying to escape.

 

Liam just kept rubbing his back repeating “Its okay, Lou, its going to be okay.” He’d noted repetition worked last time, he was hoping he could be an anchor for this venting-cry.

 

Louis seemed like he’d wiped himself out and fell into Liam, his grip still locked. Liam gently laid back on the bed. Louis’ eyes were still dripping but his breathing was relaxed.

**Liam picked up his phone and shot a quick text to Niall.**

**Liam: Caught in a sleep vice, haven’t felt this death-like grip since zayn**

**Niall: No heartfelt apology tonight then?**

**Liam: I didn’t expect a hug, so who knows. He is adorable, can we keep him?**

**Niall: Stop collecting broken boys.**

**Liam: They are not broken, just puzzles…? I will think of a better analogy. I gotta get some sleep for the morning freak out when he sees he is in bed with someone else. night**

**Niall: Im telling zayn**

**Liam: fuck off go color with him**

**Niall: He says he loves you xx**

**Liam: goodnight**


	2. Amish Who?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry its taken so long to write so little but I've been having a really shitty life at the moment... BUT! I refuse to not post for a month and a half. I hope this unbeta'd chapter can suffice until I get my life in order :(

Harry pieced together what he could, cropping it just before his conversation with Louis . He had a lot of hand footage, as he didn’t realizing he was still recording. Louis' voice was so small and nervous at the start.

 

Towards the end of the video, where it’s really muffled by his shirt pocket, Louis seemed to gain confidents and Harry heard Louis' voice say, “ _You don’t even deserve the blue pools of disappointment, dear Harry._ ”

 

"He has blue eyes." Harry smiled. He put that clip aside.

 

He tried to piece together clips of his masturbation in a way that seemed more exciting, but it wasn’t working. He'd have to do a livestream wank to make up for it. That’s what he gets for waiting until the last minute to record.

 

"Ugh... If I study as long as I need to, I can’t record. If I don’t study enough, I fail. If I don’t upload something good, I can’t afford to stay." The curly-haired boy sighed. He picked up his phone and called Zayn.

 

"Zayn! Buddy! Hows the job search going for me?"

 

There was a grunt on the other line. "Gee, Harry. It seems this was the longest we went without talking. How was that 5 hour silent jerk-off? I've had a day thats probably just as intense, but you never seem to want to hear about it," Zayn rambled.

 

There was a pause before Harry slowly asked: "You okay?"

 

There was a shuffled static and a new perkier voice that could only be Niall.

 

"He sent me to interrupt your wank and ruin your life, but then I gave a boy a heart attack and got mugged by the lad. So then I called Liam for help ‘cause he was student teaching nearby, but he fell in love so now Zayn's jealous! Aren’t you buddy?" Niall's infectious laugh glittered through Harry's phone.

 

"Zayn tried to sabotage my video?" Harry tried to accuse him in the most threatening of tones but failed. He changed the direction of the conversation with a question: “So who did you spook?”

 

“Um… What did Liam say again…” Niall thought aloud. “ Ah! Louis! Louis Tomlinson was his name.”

 

Harry’s eyes widened. “What does he look like?”

 

He paused. “Louis… he has these intense blue eyes that can really bug out when he’s flipped. He’s a bit small. Not smaller than me or anything but he just _seemed_ smaller... But he was also much more threatening. Like a yappy dog with rabies.” Niall chuckled a bit. “Liam insists it was because of his heart attack or whatever. He just flipped out and won’t remember. Crazy boy, he is.”

 

Harry heard Zayn in the background. “ _Panic attack, Niall. Heart attacks kill people._ ”

 

“He certainly tried!” Niall replied. “Whatever. Anyway, he had scars all up his arm and I think that’s why Liam wants to keep him." Harry heard a smack and yelp of pain from Niall. "I'm serious! But honestly, he can’t be a therapist if he has romantic feelings for every boy that cries in front of him." Harry frowned. It sounded like Liam snatched him up before Harry had a chance to woo the sassy voice with his bad jokes. It wasn’t like he was anywhere near Liam's level of sex appeal anyway.

 

"You guys want to hang out a bit?" Harry asked. "Watch a movie maybe?"

 

"Nah, maybe tomorrow cause Zayn wants to brood and cry about Liam's new pet human." Harry chuckled at that. "Ah look, he's already started."

 

" _Fuck off_ ," He heard Zayn snap.

 

Harry sighed and said he'd talk to them later, then texted Liam.

 

**Harry: got anything interesting going on?**

**Liam: ive got a boy sleeping on top of me so thats kind of new.**

**Harry: ah louis? I heard about your new "pet human" as niall called it**

**Liam: i wish he was a pet i could adopt. hes so precious. i am positively infatuated. But no he is a human with his own rights and will.**

Harry chuckled. Liam had already claimed him. He wishes he could see what the boy looked like in person but looking him up would be cheating, almost. Harry liked a good challenge.

 

**Harry: lol so no hanging out then i gather.**

**Liam: sorry mate**

\--

 

Louis and Liam jolted awake the next morning to Liam's phone alarm. "Jesus, I think I just went deaf!" Louis gasped, rolling off of Liam. "I must have been on you all night . You didn't have to leave me there; I'd sulk a bit, but I'd live. You still breathing? Extensive chest compression leads to long-term health risks."

 

Liam blinked his eyes a few times, shifting his shoulders in a lazy stretch. "Sorry, what?" he said sleepily.

 

"Never mind," Louis laughed and glanced at the window, "What time is it? Do you jog? It's gorgeous out. I'm not very fast and I have short legs but I could go for a walk." Louis looked through his closet, taking off his clothes for new ones. Liam noted the scabs from the cutting he'd been informed about yesterday.

 

"I drink coffee... I need coffee." Liam sat up, confused but interested. "I have class in an hour, just one. Would you want to meet Niall after? Maybe Harry too?"

 

"Sure." Louis perked up. "Would they mind if I doodle a bit while we hang out? I'm not very social with new people."

 

"Not at all. Zayn does the same. He’s Niall’s roommate." Liam stood up.

 

Louis nodded. He wondered if Liam was weirded out by the change in mood. He figured that, if anything, it had to be a relief for Liam that he wasn't so dramatic.

 

“I have to get changed,” Liam yawned, “Back in a moment.” He headed to his room 3 doors away and tried to piece together the symptoms. Bipolar disorder was his first guess, but he’d not even known the boy for 24 hours, there could be environmental circumstances to explain the severity of the swings from violent to sad to hyper. Maybe he was just a morning person? He dressed himself in fresh clothes and went back to Louis’ room, finding him sitting there packing up a bag of colored pencils and various sketch-books and a laptop.

 

Louis looked up. “Ready to go, then?” he asked, zipping the bag and slinging his bag over his shoulder.

 

“You’re coming?” He replied with eyes drooping.

 

“I haven’t got anything to do today.” The blue-eyed boy shrugged.

 

“Taking your medication?” Liam gestured to the desk where the bottles sat.

 

“Nope.” Louis shook his head firmly.

 

“Alright,” Liam sighed. “We’ll get some coffee, I’ll drop you at Niall’s and meet you there after class?”

 

“If he’s cool with it then yeah, sounds good.”

 

They walked downstairs and out the dorm. Louis looked up at the sky with a grin. “Its so gorgeous out! Liam, look at the clouds!” He said shaking Liam’s arm and pointing.

 

They were white, and spread apart with a few thicker grey ones. It was too early for Liam to care about anything. “Yeah, clouds are cool.” He nodded.

 

“Such enthusiasm.” Louis teased, tongue thick with sarcasm.

 

It wasn’t much of a walk but at eight o’clock in the morning it always seemed too far. He’d considered instant coffee for his room but the school coffee was free. The motivation to leave his room helped him stay somewhat active as well.

 

They approached the building, Louis’ phone buzzed. “You go on ahead, I’ll wait out here.”

 

**Harry: knock, knock**

**Louis grinned and unlocked the phone to reply.**

**Louis: hey! its a little early dont you think?**

**Harry: KNOCK, KNOCK**

**Louis: whos there?**

**Harry: amish**

**Louis: amish who?**

**Harry: aww I miss you too, Louis.**

Louis covered his mouth so his laugh wasn’t obnoxious. Everything was funny at the moment. The world was intensely colorful and he felt like he was glowing with the sun and nothing could hurt him. Even if he did get hurt his body healed in time so it was all okay.

 

Which is probably how he ended up climbing the tree to his left. Hand over hand towards the gorgeous array of clouds and blue.

 

**Harry: get it?**

**Louis: oh trust me, that one didnt go over my head.**

**Louis: it was awful though**

**Louis: and offensive to a simple, god-fearing, community**

**Louis: excellent way to start the day :P**

**Harry: sorry, i didnt mean to offend the amish people**

**Harry: just miss you**

**Louis: for a joker you sure cant take one**

Liam stepped out of the student center with his coffee and Louis was not where he left him. The shorter boy was in an oak tree laughing as he took selfies.

 

**Harry: :D**

**Louis: look! im in a tree _( (1) attached photo)_**

“Louis!” Liam exclaimed. “Are you okay? Get down from there!”

 

**Harry: oh! I know where that is**

“Yes, I’m fine Leeyum,” He stretched the name, “On my way down, now.” He hung by his arms and let go, Liam dropped his coffee reaching to catch him. “My hero.” Louis batted his eyelashes with a giggle.

 

“You’re going to be the death of me.” Liam laughed. “Let’s get you to Niall.” Liam rushed him back to the dorm, since he was already running late. “Niall is in room 502, make your way up, say Liam sent you, and I’ll meet you guys after class.”  

 

“Yes, sir.” Louis curtsied.

 

Liam sighed with a fond smile and was off to class.

 

Louis loved when manic days came. He felt like he could conquer the whole country. Even though he hadn’t eaten a thing today, the five flights of stairs were a breeze. He walked up to the door with a firm double knock. “Good morning strangers!”

 

“ _Fuck off._ ” A cranky half-awake voice replied through the door. “ _It is 9AM on a Friday._ ” Louis heard him approach the door. It clicked.

 

“My name is Louis, Liam sent me.” In front of him a dark haired boy opened the door with a sneer. “Ah! Zayn, we have class together-”

 

“I know who you are.” He said. “Why did Liam send you?”

 

“He wants to hang out later, with all of us. So he said to hang out with you guys until then.” Louis smiled.

 

“Uh huh. Well why don’t you go and sit at the desk and color until I wake up.” He moved out of the way for Louis to walk in. Niall was snoring on the left side of the room. 

 

Louis took a seat at the desk as Zayn climbed back into bed. He glanced at his phone, but there were no new texts. He placed it on the table in his sight so he could reply right away when one arrived and pulled out his sketchbook.

  
  



	3. Disappoint Who?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet the gang!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god I was asking where you all came from and then i saw it was posted on larryfanfiction and the pressure was on. I hope you guys love this chapter, it gives you an idea of what happened with Liam and Zayn. I'm sorry its taken me so long between chapters, I hate it when my favorite authors drag their feet with updates. My problem here is, lets say plots are divided into 4 parts: A, B, C, and D. I know A, C, and D. and guess where we are? haha Wish me luck for the next chapter!  
> Your comments definitely motivated me to get my ass in gear so thank you so much. Follow my updates and harass me to write on twitter @asheralmighty

Louis sat there drawing mindlessly for a few hours, just letting his hand take over the paper: Exploding triangles and sketched hands, little girls in dresses surrounded by grass, and flowers stuffed in the corner of the page with monsters and harsh lined fairies. It was a whirlwind of imagination of torn pages scattered along the desk. He was sketching Zayn’s jaw and lips when Niall woke with a jump and a gasp as he saw the violent boy from yesterday sitting at his desk drawing his unconscious room mate. “L-Louis?” he said in his tired voice. “What are you doing?”

Louis jumped, dropping his pen. “Drawing. Sorry, Liam sent me,” he looked at the clock. “He should be here any minute.”

“Oh.” Niall sat up. He was considering if the words that followed would be appropriate but decided to say them anyway. “Sorry about yesterday. I didn’t mean to--”

“Its fine,” Louis interrupted, “You didn’t know.” He placed his pen back to the paper, abandoning Zayn’s jaw for a vague torso shape. Keeping his hands busy usually made it easier to socialize and kept him grounded. Not too manic, not too depressed. Just grounded.

Niall pressed his lips in a line as he studied the brunette in front of him. He seemed normal, which was a contrast to yesterday. He bit the bullet and asked the question. “What’s wrong with you?”

The silence in the room was now closing in. Louis felt his mood slipping and he wasn’t sure which way but it was rocking.

“Sorry, wow, that was rude,” The blonde internally slapped himself. “Its just, Liam, you know? He doesn’t follow people around unless they’ve got issues.”

The words slipped from his mouth before Louis realized his lips had even parted. “I’m bipolar. I cut. I have anxiety and panic attacks. I black out sometimes. I have food issues that come in waves. I have really bad daddy issues. I have a copy of my analyzation upstairs somewhere in my room if you want a detailed look-see.”

The humor in his voice was not blatant but it was apparent that Niall had noticed. “Nah, thats fine.” He laughed and decided this kid scribbling at his desk wasn’t so bad. “I don’t do the whole paperwork thing.”

Zayn rolled over with a groan. “Shut up.” He pulled the blanket up over his scruffy chin.

“Wake up! We have a guest.” Niall threw his pillow at the cranky human beneath the blankets.

Zayn sat up and swiftly tossed it back, a little harder. “No one who wakes me at 9AM is a guest.”

“It’s almost noon!” Niall exclaimed as he caught the pillow.

“Who do you think let his perky ass in?” Zayn sat up.

“Sorry.” Louis began to feel his skin crawling. He wasn’t wanted here. He was an intruder. How could he have just waltzed up to someones room and make himself comfortable when they were both sleeping? How stupid was he?

“Are you okay?” Zayn asked softly. “I’m not mad, I’m just cranky. Breathe, okay?” Louis didn’t remember when he closed his eyes, he opened his eyes and saw the torso he’d drawn on the paper had been scribbled to the point where it started to rip through to the desk. “Are you allergic to anything?” Zayn asked in a calm tone, a contrast to the beating in Louis’ ears. The panicked boy shook his head, breathing erratically. “Good, take this.”

He swallowed it. “Thank you.” His voice was so small in his own ears.

One of the worst things about having an episode is being aware of the change in your own voice. It’s not even a small change, its higher and shaky like a frightened child. The other horrible thing is having strangers know how to handle you better than you do. He’s an adult by law, but he never feels like one. He’s pretty sure he shouldn’t live alone but anyone who lives with him seems to end up a caretaker until they get fed up with the responsibility that he somehow puts on them. Its never planned it just happens, like the pill that was handed to him. People just take care of him.

“Zayn you can’t just give strangers medication! You can’t share meds at all! What if he had a seizure and died on our floor?!” Niall exclaimed. “Louis, are you okay?”

“Fine,” Louis mumbled. “I’m fine.”

“Yeah, rile him up again, Niall.” Zayn rolled his eyes and turned to Louis. “The pill should take in the next half hour. If you start feeling sick at all we have a bathroom, so don’t hesitate to force it out. I don't want you to seize.” Zayn stood up and walked to his closet to change out of his pajamas.

“Let’s change the subject.” Niall suggested as gears turned behind his eyes. “Let’s do introductions! Zayn you first.”

“Are you serious?” The black haired man raised an eyebrow. Niall nodded. “Okay then. I’m Zayn.”

“Tell us about yourself!” He pushed.

“I like sleeping.” He pulled a tee shirt on. “I paint. Sometimes I write.” He dropped his pants and struggled some tight jeans on. “Your turn Niall.”

“Very informative.” Niall sassed and turned to Louis. “I went to school with Liam before university. I had a few gap years so I’m only a sophomore. My major is communications."

He was interrupted by a knock on the door. "I brought food!" Liams voice broke through the door and Louis' face lit up.

Niall's eyes glazed a bit as he glanced at Louis on his way to the door. He cracked it open, forced a smile and playfully whispered: "What've you got?"

"Pizza, half plain for Louis ‘cause I don’t know what he likes, half fake-cheese for the vegetarian over there,” he gestured to Zayn, “and an everything for us. That good?" Liam asked, his eyes like a puppy's begging to be let in.

Niall’s heart fluttered and he stepped to the side with a sharp nod. "I suppose that'll do."

Liam walked in and his eyes landed on Louis. He grinned fondly. "Hey, how're you feeling?"

Louis opened his mouth to speak when Zayn barked a bitter laugh. "What is it with you? A fetish?" Liam's face tensed as the dark haired boy spoke. "What do you call it? Servophilia?"

"Nice use of Latin. Servo means to protect, right?” Liam shook his head, never turning to look at the dark haired man. “Just back off, Zayn."

"You get off on it, right? Protecting and coddling and fixing all these broken boys? It's like a puzzle to you. It's a game and when things get too complicated you just run off. And you just refer back to us like a portfolio." Niall walked into the bathroom without a word as Zayn continued. "We're your little projects and you're constantly improving, aren't you? Niall may enjoy tagging along in your shit but don't think for a second that we're friends." He grabbed his bag and walked up to the door. "Have a nice day, Louis. Don't get too attached."

Louis was shaking. Liam went to put his hand on Louis’ shoulder but the smaller one leaned away. He let his hand fall. "I'm going to go..." He gathered his papers into his sketchbook, sliding it into his bag.

"Lou..." Liam sighed and ran a hand through his hair as Louis left the room.

The door closed and he took in the silence. His eyes traced Zayn's wall that was covered with drawings hung by push pins. His eye’s fell on a self portrait done in white chalk on black paper. Zayn was gripping his hair and his eyes were shut tight. The emotion smacked Liam in the chest as he saw the date scribbled at the bottom. He knew he was involved in the art piece’s inspiration.

That was when he heard gags from the bathroom. He quickly fell back into the routine as he walked up to the door, knocking twice before opening it.

Niall was bent over the toilet. Liam sat down next to him and rubbed his back. "You’re okay." He whispered. Niall coughed the last bit of bile, tears sliding down his face. Liam handed him some toilet paper and the blonde nodded a thank you and blew his nose, wincing a bit at the burn. He dropped it in the toilet. Liam pulled him in. "I'm sorry."

\--

Harry wondered when he’d become so desensitized to spending so many hours sitting in front of the computer staring at his dick. It wasn’t a bad looking penis, but it was still not what he imagined university would be like. He was editing his latest jerk-off and wondered why Zayn hadn’t answered his text when his phone buzzed. It wasn’t Zayn though, it was Louis.

Louis: knock knock

Harry grinned. This had to be the greatest text he’d ever got. He never received knock knock jokes. He only sent them and people didn’t usually respond enthusiastically.

Harry: Who's there?

Louis: disappointed.

Harry: disappointed who?

Louis: no one, just myself.

Harry frowned. That went sour quick.

Harry: clever :( whats up.

Louis: kinda made friends for a few minutes but i fucked it up by being there. I'm in the bathroom and wondering if you wanted to come join me in my isolation.

Harry glanced up at his video, then back at his phone.

Harry: give me 20 minutes to get there?

Louis: thanks

Louis sat in his stall and drew a monster. Not the cute doodly ones that ended up in the corner of his worksheets but a proper monster: fur down to the knuckles with taloned hands and a crooked back with broken wings. The face was in a twisted scowl that was distorted with smudges.

He was shading the fur when he heard the door open. "Louis?" Harry called.

"Harry." He answered cringing. He had regretted sending the text the second after he sent it. Zayn’s pill definitely helped prevent any freak outs but regret is an emotion you can’t run away from. "Sorry for summoning you. I'm not sure why I did or what I expected." He admitted.

“Do you want me to go?” Harry asked, a little disappointed.

“No, yeah, maybe?” Louis struggled. “No, I don’t. Sorry I’m so messed up. I want you here, I just don’t think you want to be. Regardless of whether or not you tell me you want to be here I’m going to think that you’re doing it out of pity.” He laughed.

"That's fine." He shook his head as he stood outside the stall. "Would you rather find a bench? Or get food? Maybe both?"

"I'm not hungry right now." Louis bit his lip. "I'm not normal Harry, I'm actually mental. Proper mental with medication and psychiatric history."

Harry nodded for him to continue before he remembered Louis couldn't see. "And?" He pressed.

"Well I thought you should know ahead of time, since we might be friends if this continues." Louis said with hesitation. His scabs itched and he hated how scratching them soothed his nerves as well. "I mean if you were thinking we could be."

"I thought we were!" Harry's phone then buzzed. He checked it, it still wasn’t Zayn.

Liam: have you seen louis?

Harry looked up from his phone at the stall door. "Liam wants to know if I've seen you."

Louis felt sick. He couldn’t believe how much drama exploded out of nowhere in 24 hours. "I don't want to see him right now… but could you tell him I'm okay?"

“Of course.”

Harry: ive got him. hes fine. just needs space. :)

Liam: thank god. be careful with him.

Harry: always. Xx

“Alright, done!” Harry smiled. “Where were we?”

Louis stood up without thinking, his bag rested on the floor and his oversized hoodie, like a blanket, hung loosely down to his upper thighs. His hand reached for the lock and slid it open.

He saw Harry there, tall and gorgeous with brown hair pulled in a bun. His blush reached down to his heart as Harry's lips tugged at the sides to form a grin. The taller man greeted Louis with a "Hey."

Maybe it was the pill from Zayn, or the crazy day he’d had but he found himself desperate for contact. He was buzzing for a comforting touch and Harry was here. "Can I hug you for a bit?" Louis asked.

Harry smiled and opened his arms. "Of course." Louis carefully approached him and pressed his face against Harry’s shoulder. Harry wrapped his arms around him and hummed with joy when Louis nuzzled closer.

Harry smelled like milk and brown sugar. His arms were gentle and his chest was firm. His thumbs traced circles on his back and he squirmed a bit as they neared his ribs.

“Oh my god are you ticklish?” Harry hugged him tighter. “You are adorable. I want to put you in my pocket.”

Louis laughed. “Shut up.”

“Rude.” Harry scribbled his fingers down Louis’ sides and was pleased by the sharp squeal he got in return.

“Stop, stop, stop!” He barked as he laughed.

Harry stopped. “Sorry, I love tickling. I got carried away.” He hugged Louis again.

“It’s okay, I’m just,” he shrugged, “I don’t know. All over the place, I guess.” Harry’s phone began to ring. Louis pulled away. “Answer it.”

Harry goes to refuse when he sees it's Zayn. “You sure?”

Louis nodded.

“I am so FUCKING DONE with Liam. So you know that new blue-eyed cuddle candy he’s got? Well Liam dumps this poor kid at our dorm and flies away to doctor-land. This kid is quiet and coloring at Niall’s desk. Then I wake up cause Niall is roommate of the year and not 20 minutes later Liam shows up with pizza and wants to woo the boy in my fucking room.” His voice boomed through the phone and bounced off the tile walls.

“Z-Zayn,” Harry tried to get a word in.

“And I give him my two cents cause fuck knows he deserves a fucking dollar fifty from me and HE tells ME to back off. Well I TRIED Liam. I tried to back off the fucking planet and he called the police and didn’t say a word to me for 8 months. Then shit hits the fan and Niall calls the police and visits me every day then asks to be my roommate. And fuck I love Niall to death but FUCKING FUCK I’m done, Harry. I hate everyone.”

“You good?”

“Yeah, I’ll talk to you later. Bye.” The line went dead.

Louis laughed. “Does he always scream and hang up?” He was a bit concerned, but the way the call ended was amusing enough to cancel it out.

“Yeah, usually about Liam.” He chuckled. “Looks like you met the whole gang then.”

“Seems a bit dysfunctional to be a gang…” He raised an eyebrow.

Harry shrugged. “We’re a work in progress, I suppose. Maybe we needed a fifth member.” He smiled mischievously.

Louis shook his head bashfully. “I’m not sure I could handle it…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got back into the swing of writing with this Dan and Phil one-shot I'm nearly finished with. If you don't know Dan and Phil, I highly recommend checking them out. @Danisnotonfire and @Amazingphil on youtube.


	4. hiatus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this fic is on hiatus

Hi guys, thanks for all of your support. Unfortunately, the next part was very Zayn-centric, focusing heavily on how he handles his stress and pressure and how Liam decided to handle that in the past.

Due to recent events I am not comfortable finishing writing this chapter right now. I will definitely let you guys know when I am.


End file.
